Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Big Fat Failure

Well you guys, I'm depressed today. And I need to talk about it, so I'm going to write about it. Hope I don't bum you out too much.

You see, I'm a big fat failure. I have failed to run my business well, and so my business has failed. I'm so sad and mad at myself I just want to cry, and yell, and throw things at the wall. I wanted so badly to do well at this. My whole family depended on it. My husband depended on me to help provide some income, and my daughter depended on me to make my plan to work from home succeed, so that she would never have to spend a day in child care.

And I have failed. I have failed them all.

I made bad decisions, but most of all, I was a bad business person. Because you know what? I can design you a kick-ass logo or a beautiful ad, but I'm not good at the business end of it. I was hoping I would learn as I went - but I had trouble finding enough time to do it all.

Because working from home with a toddler? I certainly didn't think it was going to be easy – in fact I was pretty sure it was going to be really hard, and I spent my entire year of maternity leave worrying about how I was going to do it – and in the end, I was right. It totally kicked my ass.

Gracie is not the kind of kid who will go play by herself. She is my right-hand girl, my helper extraordinaire. She would like to follow me around all day and help me do what I am doing. Which is actually quite fun when I am doing laundry or sweeping the floor. But not so fun when I'm trying to get some design work done and she wants to sit on my lap and play on the computer. And so, I would put her to bed and then sit at the computer all night trying to get my work done. Or worse, I would blow off a night of working when I really shouldn't have, just to have a night to sit next to my husband on the couch, eat popcorn and watch TV.

I was so tired. Physically, and mentally. But I should have persevered. Because now? I've failed, and I have to find some other way of making some money for my family.

Okay, enough of the pity party. I just needed to get it out, before it all came out of me in a river of tears.

Time to pull up my socks and figure out a way to FIX it.

Tomorrow: My plan to fix this stupid mess I've gotten myself into.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Denice, I'm so sorry to hear that! Raising kids isn't easy and I couldn't imagine trying to work from home and be a mom to a toddler. Going back to work was the best thing for me. It was "Me" time and Chris was great in child care. Not all places are bad and it does help socialize the little one.

I hope you get things figured out!

HUGS!

Martina said...

{{HUUUUUGGGGGGGG}}

Anonymous said...

Denice,

Let's set the record straight -- you are NOT a failure. You have chosen to raise and care for your daughter instead of depending someone else to do it for you. Well done, mommy. You are a success already!! You have failed no one. You will NEVER regret staying home with her, Nate will ALWAYS be grateful he has a selfless wife to mother his child and Gracie realize someday you gave her your all.

Nothing ever goes exactly as planned. What you need to do is analyze whether the main goal was accomplished. Did Gracie receive the very best, most loving care she possibly could have. Yes! The first two years are integral. Babies, toddlers, AND preschoolers need their mother ALL the time. In time you will be rewarded with child who is secure, well-adjusted, obedient, respectful, loving, cheerful and genuinely happy.

Well done, Denice!

Jody